preparing siblings for baby

By Sarah Juliusson
Birthing From Within and Birthing Again Prenatal Classes, Vancouver, BC

www.dancingstarbirth.ca


Awaiting the birth of a second child brings many questions: Do we have enough love to share? How will we cope with the increased workload of two children? And, of course, how can we best support our first child in the transition to life as a big brother or sister? Surrounded by tales of sibling rivalry, the concern over this new relationship can be overwhelming.

While the birth of a new child into the family will bring inevitable changes to the role of your firstborn, there are simple steps you can take to support him or her in this transition. Your child can play an important and positive role in preparing for and welcoming the baby.

Where Do Babies Come From?
As pregnancy progresses, some children show a keen interest in where babies come from, and how exactly they are going to "get out"! In responding to such questions, it is helpful to redirect the question back to them before giving your answer: "Tell me what you think happens?" When you do share information, the explanation should be simple and developmentally appropriate. There are many excellent childrens' books to help you satisfy your child's curiosity, and many children love hearing the story of their own time in the belly, at birth, and as a baby.

Preparing for Baby
Helping your child to understand that mom's growing belly will soon be a real baby in her arms can be a challenge, in particular with younger children. It is helpful to refer to baby as a person, "He must feel excited right now, he is moving a lot!" It can be helpful to draw or paint pictures of your soon-to-be expanded family together.

Explore the emotional and relationship changes with your child beforehand. For example, you may explain that a newborn baby will require a lot of love and care from mom and dad and their older sibling, and that sometimes he or she might feel like the baby is getting too much attention.

Explain that while newborns are not born ready to play trucks or dolls, they will love gentle touch, peekaboo, and toe tickles, encouraging positive ways to be with baby. You can role-play the feeding, diapering & caring of baby with a favorite doll or stuffed animal.

Finally, involve your older child in the preparations: brainstorm baby names together, prepare baby's clothes together - have them choose baby's first outfit, and choose a story that they can read to baby while in the belly and after birth. They may also make a birthday card or welcome sign for the baby, create a song or story to share, or choose a special gift.

Birth & Your Firstborn
The readiness of a child to witness and participate in birth varies widely, and is more defined by personality, interest, comfort, and maturity than by age. Some parents hope that witnessing the birth will help to ease the transition for their older child and limit sibling rivalry. Others feel that the experience is might be frightening, or may not feel comfortable labouring in front of their child.

If your firstborn will be at the birth, you can help prepare him or her with books & birth videos, role playing and making animal birth sounds together, and even identifying special tasks for them during the birth - such as helping to cut the cord, or announce the baby's gender. A loving and respectful caregiver, knowing what to expect, and feeling involved and supported can create a wonderful birth experience for a new older brother or sister.

Even if you have no intention of having your firstborn with you during labour or at the birth, it can be helpful to do some preparation just in case things go quickly, or childcare plans are delayed. A "birth plan" for your child can identify several potential care providers, backup plans for transportation from school or daycare, and special activities to keep them entertained.

Sibling Adjustment
As your older child gets to know your new baby, be prepared for the unexpected ways in which they will build their own unique relationship. Your firstborn may invent a silly game to play with baby, or spend long hours making up stories about baby. Support them in finding sharing, caring, and loving ways to enjoy and learn about baby.

Some older children can manifest their frustration or fear during this transition time through rough behaviour with the newborn. While such behaviour can be very upsetting for parents, try to avoid saying "No" repeatedly or expressing anger, and instead immediately redirect behaviour and address the underlying cause. Remember - they are still young - and may need help identifying positive ways to express how hard this transition can be.

After baby is born, it is important for each parent to find special ways to be alone with their firstborn and honour the unique relationship, such as a special date to the park or a favorite restaurant. You may also affirm their importance by explaining to baby, "I'll change your diaper in a moment, I want to first finish reading this book with your big sister".

As you strive to create a positive transition into life as a family of four, remember that these are relationships that will grow and change and bring much beauty, and yes - occasional struggles and tears. And the day will come when your two children will burst out into laughter together at some secret game they have invented, and you will know that their love for each other is as strong as the love you feel for them.

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